Beauty in the Void

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I sat staring at a blank page in Microsoft Word, tears streaming down my face for hours. Olivia Rodrigo's "All I Want" played on repeat through my headphones, intensifying the overwhelming emotions that consumed me. Some days, words simply fail to express what I'm feeling; I'm simply left to feel it all.

As I tackled the office reports, it struck me that today was the 12th of March. Years ago, this week would have been filled with bustling plans and celebrations. Have you ever experienced that feeling when a date you've commemorated for years suddenly loses its significance?

There might not have been anything to mark today, but amidst the absence of a once-cherished tradition, I realized that even the absence of something is still worth celebrating.

Sometimes a man gets exactly what he wishes for, and that can be the most perfect punishment of all. 

- Joe Goldberg, You

I looked around me. I am living a life I used to only dream about. A few years back, the idea of being where I am today seemed so far out of reach But if everything in the past hadn't happened the way it did, I wouldn’t have thought I would be where I am today.


Solitude mornings in Zambales

I looked at the past like fine sand slipping through my fingers. Each time I open my hand a little bit more, it falls and fades away a little quicker. But in every grain, I feel a minuscule pang of pain for what used to belong to me.

Letting go of what used to be is not easy as it may seem. It requires a certain type of death that doesn’t bleed. It requires space to accommodate the new.

And I feel so empty right now, which I guess is a good thing. But in this ‘emptiness,’ I feel a wish to stay. Can I pause time and revel in the solitude I've found? Can I truly claim ownership of this world alone? Sometimes, I’m afraid to empty myself because the universe is mischievous and loves to fill in an empty space. 

I haven’t stopped crying. These tears I dedicate for the past that had been, the past that tortured me well enough to crawl to the light where I am today, and a cry to celebrate the unknown. There is no manual that helps me navigate aloneness, and I guess that’s where the thin line of the questions: am I doing it all wrong and is this the right way to go lies, because in uncharted territories, how does one make a wrong turn?


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