Takoyaki Girl

I wasn't a fan of takoyaki until I met this man, who I was friends with benefits with during one of my darkest years. I was trying everything, and my choices always led to nonstop reckless behavior. Red flags and boundaries weren’t part of my vocabulary back then. It wasn’t something my parents asked me to sit down and discuss behind closed doors. I was left to fend for myself at an early age, constantly seeking validation from parents who were busy giving their best to provide us a comfortable life while dealing with their own monsters blindly.

One night, when we visited his friends, he told them he wouldn't want me as his girlfriend because I was deeply involved in nude art. He liked my art but didn’t want to be part of it. Fortunately, I overheard this conversation, and ever since then, I hated the way he looked when he was on top of me. From that moment, I planned my way out, like ditching him on my birthday and lying that I cooked the kare-kare I brought for his birthday, even though I don't know how to cook it to this day. He hated that one of his younger friends tried to date me.

He tried to own me, but he didn't really want to be associated with me. I was a convenient person to fulfill his desires, but nothing more.

One of my favorite movie quotes says: "we meet only to part, and we part only to meet." I believe that is true. But if there is one thing I've learned about meeting, it’s this: we meet only to meet parts of ourselves that we haven't met yet.

I can no longer remember what got me into him; it must've been an 'I want to blow this man's ego' moment. I have lost contact with this person and the many things that used to bind us together, but I'll be damned. I still love a good takoyaki ball to this day. He may not have owned me, but a part of him will always be a part of me. Thank you to that one afternoon when he insisted I try these balls.

I was too naive back then to understand that when someone doesn't want you to be part of their life, no amount of effort or intimacy will change their mind. I learned from repeatedly dating Scorpio men that when they know what they want, they go after it with unwavering determination. Their eyes light up with a clear focus, and they will travel to hell and back to get what they desire.

It was only a few years ago that I came across astrology to understand myself better, which also stemmed from a series of unfortunate learning experiences. I found out that I am a Scorpio Stellium – the way I think, the way I love, my whole life is meant to transform in tremendous ways. I am meant to tread paths of constantly learning from not knowing.

Now I also understand this overdue lesson (along with many examples that were thrown my way): sex isn't the greatest factor in relationships. With that being said, I know it wasn't a relationship to begin with, just a 'silly stupid pastime of mine,' as Fiona Apple once sang. The red flags will wave, but if you don't define them as they are, they’re nothing but flags that wave and cheer you on.

Another important lesson I learned (not during that moment, but now, as I type this, as the lessons repeatedly showed themselves to me) is to know when it’s time to leave. Your intuition is your greatest power. Your NO holds so much authority. When I stay in situations that I no longer want to be in, I will continuously sabotage them. I think I have earned a Master’s Degree in Burning Bridges, knowing that the same fire that burns me also illuminates my path ahead.

I am not proud of my choices in life, but I cannot erase them from my story as they are the umami of it. They add the oomph as you chew a vegetable ball, still hot from the stove. I'm glad that I'm still alive to alter the course of it. When life repeatedly hands you the same lesson over and over again, you’ll get tired of it too, and you start moving in ways that you haven’t moved before. I'm not a saint; my brain will continue to mess with me, but I guess I'm not as naive as I was a decade and a half ago. Life will always be a journey, and I may go astray once in a blue moon or find myself on the road to making the same mistake again, yet every time the opportunity to self-sabotage presents itself to me, it’s easier and faster to gather the strength to own my 'no' and sprint towards the exit sign.

Doors are meant to close so we have the space to open new ones.

Choose the doors that open themselves with ease. Choose the one who chooses you. And if there isn't anyone who chooses you, choose yourself. Because you are not a takoyaki ball with different variants to choose from. You are uniquely you. Define you. Own you. Be you.